I don’t listen to albums anymore. My music collection is just a hodgepodge of playlists and alphabetized artists. There’s no real sense to it and I don’t know where half of the music came from. MP3s are kind of like that: they float around and, after dinner and a drink, sometimes jump into your iPod.
But once, every song was part of an album. According to Jack Hamilton, some of those albums were…by the Beatles. From the new blog, The Highlights, I present:
The Thirteen Suckiest Beatles Albums (From Least Suckiest to Most Suckiest)
13) Magical Mystery Tour (1967) – Probably their finest moment. “Blue Jay Way” is a total classic, and “I am The Walrus” is simply hilarious—as if a walrus could sing!! Lowlights include “Strawberry Fields Forever” and the first song, which sucks.
12) Please Please Me (1963) – Some fun moments but already the politics are kind of heavy-handed. “I Saw Her Standing There?” Sir John Mellencamp spins in his grave.
11) Beatles For Sale (1964) – After the commercial failures of their first three albums, the
BeatlesBeetlesBeatles (sp????) were dropped from Capitol. This was their first album with Jermaine Dupri’s So So Def Records (dirty south!!) and let’s face it, the title gimmick worked better for Abbie Hoffman and Steal This Book. The album was even released at full price which pissed a ton of people off and further alienated the group’s dwindling fanbase.10) Rubber Soul (1965) – This album probably deserves to be ranked a lot lower but truthfully I’ve never even listened to it. Something about the British spelling of “sole” always put me off. Rule number one of show business: know your audience!
9) Abbey Road (1969) – Mmmmmmrrrrrreehhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
8) Let It Be (1970) – This album generated controversy upon its released due to its title, clearly plagiarized from the Replacements’ 1984 album that has the same exact name. I know imitation is the highest form of flattery but come the fuck on.
8) With The Beatles (1963) – Hey assholes, I know your first album didn’t sell but can’t you at least put a color photograph on the front of this shit? Talk about mailing it in.
6) A Hard Day’s Night (1964) – A collection of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons covers that’s mostly remembered for its use in the soundtrack to Michelangelo Antonioni’s 1966 art-house sensation,Blowup.
5) Help! (1965) – See above.
4) Highway 61 Revisited (1965) – Not technically a “Beatles” album but rather part of an elaborate John Lennon side project called “Robert Zimmerman” or “Bob Dylan” depending on the level of Lennon’s anti-Semitism in a given period. The few people who bought this album found it predictably indulgent. “Lennon” continued touring as “Dylan” periodically until his untimely death from a heart attack in 2006.
3) Revolver (1966) – Aside from “Yellow Sub-marine,” which catapulted special guest vocalist Ringo Starr to fame as the narrator for the beloved children’s series Thomas the Tank Engine, two words best sum up this snoozer: deservedly forgotten.
2) The Beatles, or “White Album” (1968) – A double album? Are you fucking serious? This thing is an hour and a half long: for a quick comparison, that’s how long some movies are. I don’t think there’s a single person who’s listened to this monster all the way through. Hey guys, some of us have a little something called a job.
1) Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band (1967) – Yikes. Luckily for Paul McCartney this thing has been out of print for years. There’s no way Wings would have sold all those records if people knew about this!!! Again, I haven’t listened to the whole thing and precious few have, but the rumor is that the label was so embarrassed that they had them put it out under another name, hence the title. In the 1970s Peter Frampton made a movie about it, which is actually pretty good (as if we should be surprised!).
