Leg humping: Obsolete?

I’m inclined to believe that this product is some kind of hoax…and yet, I’ve seen blow-up sex toys for humans who are into bestiality, so anything is possible. But here’s my question: Will they make one for cats?

In college, I lived with my father and Sonny, a skinny orange tabby who’d belonged to a reclusive librarian cousin who died. Just for the record: I adore animals. I have two dogs warming my feet as I write this. But Sonny was about as lovable as Nero.

Whether or not Sonny was always a son of a bitch is hard to say. Maybe he was the perfect cat until he ended up spending several days in an apartment with a dead woman. All I know is that by the time he moved in with us, he took little pleasure out of life. He had two main ways of dealing with whatever trauma he’d lived through: sex and violence. When he wasn’t shredding my 4-year-old nephew’s plump, virgin arms, he was humping. His favorite partner was a little tie-died piece of fleece. He would somehow fashion it into a kind of cylindrical shape and then would hump it vigorously, always in front of my dad. He clearly had something to prove. My dad was very generous in his willingness to placate him. “Yes,” he’d say. “You are very virile. I’m impressed.”

Eventually, though, the fleece wasn’t enough to satisfy Sonny’s needs…

Fortunately, the Devil Cat took little interest in my cat, Sylvia—a round, long-haired black beauty who was clearly out of his league. He did, however, discover a taste for towels. If I left one on the bed while I got dressed, it would instantly be spirited away to the closet. Once he collected a large pile of them, he’d mount them all and go at it. “Look,” my brother would say. “It’s a gang bang.” We let him keep the towels. No one really wanted to use them after they’d joined his harem. Needless to say, we eventually, we ran out of towels.

So, my dad found a little black round pillow and sewed two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on one of its sides. It looked quite a bit like Sylvia. Sonny spend hours humping it from every direction as we called out positions. He was a big fan of missionary, but he also indulged in the occasional sixty-nine.

Eventually, we bullied another cousin into taking him in. At least now I know what to get her for Christmas.